Enjoy the darkness with helpful tips from your RASH
By JACQUES NECHQUES. Recommended number of wine glasses before reading this piece:
Darkness is coming
s Gershmanites are going to be just a tad outside the Path of Totality of the upcoming Solar Eclipse on August 21. Yet, to see the eclipse in its unearthly fullness, it's just a short 20 minute drive south, no?
Well, since Carmageddon is predicted that day, it might turn into a short 20 hour drive. Maybe. Sounds like it's gonna be quite cozy on the highways.
So, your RASH is providing the following tips to help you prepare and get the most out of this phenomenon—one that won't be seen again till long after a long period of time.
TIPS FOR ENJOYING THE ECLIPSE
1. The eclipse is scheduled for (roughly) 10:15 AM on Monday, August 21. For best seats, you might want to arrive a few minutes early.
2. NEVER look directly into the sun. It's very bright. Side-effects can include (but are not limited to) eye floaters; total blindness; parched eyelids; that red-eye effect in photos—it'll be present in every pic taken of you, till you die; amnesia; goiter.
3. If you simply cannot restrain yourself from looking directly at the sun, purchase appropriate eye protection. (Hint: the shades you buy at the gas station prolly won't do the trick.)
4. If you're on the highway (Interstate, US Highway, State Highway, County Road, etc.), don't simply pull over to watch everything get dark. ODOT will fine you and possibly flog you (as if they have enough people to find you). Find a safe parking spot.
5. Chill. There's gonna be traffic. Plan on bringing a week's-worth of food and water for each person in your car.
6. If you find that the crowds are gonna be too much for your traveling pallet, try staying at home and do this (NOTE: This trick will work even if you're outside the Path of Totality.): A) Find a closet. B) Go into it. C) Make sure there are no lights inside it. D) Experience darkness for about three minutes. E) Come out of the closet.* F) Enjoy not having to wait till next week to get home.
* Some might find this a great opportunity to do this both literally and metaphorically.