Recommended number of wine glasses before reading this letter:
Driving me Daisy
I’ve been meaning to write you for years. Long-time fan, first-time writer.
Before I get to my reason for writing, I just have to say, I absolutely LOVE your videos on TPRQ.net. They’re informative, interesting, and impeccably produced. True professionalism. People visiting The RASH should be aware of these priceless recordings.
Okay, on to my issue. Or, maybe I should say, my wife’s issue.
Let me start by saying that I love my wife (Let’s call her “Tryxi). I respect her. She’s intelligent, beautiful, funny, wonderful, well-read, well-busted, nearly zit-free, compassionate, always aware-of-her-surroundings, honest, a fantastic cook, knows her NFL teams, a wine connoisseur (I had to look-up the spelling of that), a wonderful mother to our two Cocker Spaniels, good with a screwdriver, has a genuine green thumb (literally), and is a respectable bowler (168 average).
But here’s the thing: I can’t stand to ride in the car when she’s driving. Literally. Normally, I drive anyway, but on rare occasions I’m forced to ride gunshot while she ferries me to and fro (like, when I’m done with a root canal, or after my monthly colonoscopy, or if I had way-two-many vodka & teriyakis. Sometimes when I just won a chess champeenship and I’m too ramped up to concentrate.). The experience of watching her drive (as a passenger, no less) is always harrowing, to say the least. I wonder how in hell she’s survived all these years, what with the way she drives and all.
I’ve narrowed down her absolutely horrifying driving habits to a few bullet points (and they are habits–she does these things consistently):
- NEVER signals when she changes lanes.
- When she comes to a stop at a light where she knows she’s going to make a turn, she doesn’t engage her turn signal until the light turns green.
- Tailgates with a passion. No matter how often I call her out, she continues to ride the bumper of the car in front of her. I can’t believe she’s not had multiple rear-enders.
- Although she usually limits it to while she’s stopped at a light, she insists on texting behind the wheel. There have been many times that the person behind us has had to honk to get her to lift her head and proceed on the green.
- Often screams racial epithets to other drivers, even tho most of ‘em are already white.
- When screaming said epithets, she frequently raises her fist, trying in vain to give “the finger.” (She lost the middle finger of her right hand in a tragic meat-packing incident when she was 13, so her efferts are seldom recognized for their meaning. Why she doesn’t simply use her five-fingered left hand, I have know idea. “SMH,” as they say.)
So please, Jacques, help. Should I simply refuse to ride with her when she drives? Or is there something I could say to her, to WAKE HER UP? I’ve even considered an “intervention” involving family members and friends, but I hesitate to do that because her family is so dysfunctional that I fear they’d all pile on ME for being OCD or something. Additionally, none of her family drinks, so it’d be a “dry” meeting… something to which I have a huge aversion. (Don’t get me started, but Thanksgiving dinners with her family: The pits. No wine, no beer, no tequila, and no vodka. I mean, it’s excruciating. Have you ever tried tryptophan sans alcohol? It’s not even….)
Your elucidation concerning my plight would be much appreciated.
White Nuckled in Troutdale.
Dear Mr. Nucklehead,
First off, it’s to bad you din’t use your spell checker on “Nuckled,” since, you know, it starts with a silent “K.” Further, there are additional spelling and/or grammatical errors in your letter. Yet, I'll overlook them, in order to elucidate not only you, but our CWSs as well. Your cry for help is compelling.
Secondly, my initial advice is to run, not walk, to the nearest police station and report your wife to the authorities. I have to admit, tho, that they prolly won't do nothing. I’ve had experience in this kind of stuff, and the cops are usually all, “We can’t arrest unless we have actual evidence. We need to see your wife (we’ll call her “Tryxi”) violate.” To paraphrase a recently-dug-up and popularly relevant phrase, "If it doesn't fit, you must acquit." I realize that quote might be somewhat irrelevant, yet it seemed timely at the time The RASH went to press.
Tertiaryally, I further advise you to reconsider trying the intervention idea. Studies have shown that when family members (no matter how dysfunctional) and caring friends intervene, there is a 21% chance that said intervenee will wake up and smell the coffee that is ostensibly growing on the side of the road wherein “Tryxi” is recklessly a-drivin’. She might possibly, in reality, literally, realize that she is actually Satan Himself manifested in a seemingly*-innocent woman’s body.
And studies have shown, that “Tryxi” actually is Satan Himself, embodied in the body of a seemingly* innocent woman. There is nothing more heinous than a person what changes lanes without signaling. This behavior alone reveals and confirms that your wife is the actual incarnation of humanity's forked-tongue nemisis, the Fallen Lucifer.
Once I read your first “item,” in your list of grievances, I needed read no further. Yet I did (read further), because I love reading about heinous things. And let me tell you, “Tryxi’s” list contains some of the most juicy, gruesome, aberrant behavior I’ve ever been called-upon on which to comment:
- Sitting at a red, knowing you’re going to turn, without communicating your intentions to your fellow travelers until the last second?: This is one of the reasons our Gub’ment initiated the Death Penalty. (Yet, the liberal-packed Supreme Court might disagree with my stance here.)
- Having sex with the bumper of the car in front of you?: Slow-and-torturous-death-by-dropping-into-a-deep-well-and-sealing-the-lid. (& yet, the Supremes prolly wouldn’t support this idea either. Dang liberals.)
- Texting while light-waiting?: Electrocution by 110 volts. Admittedly 110 volts’d take awhile. Yet that’s the fun.
- Verbalizing racial slurs at non-racial people?:** I can’t even.
- Raising one’s appendage against one’s driving opponents, in an obviously vulgar, road-rage-type hand-signal?: I gotta admit, this one’s not gonna go in your favor, Nucklehead. I know, Gershman isn’t Philly or Boston. But really, when we loose our Third Amendment rights (freedom o’ speech and all) to espress our selves, we all loose. My advice on this one: Give “Tryxi” a pass here. (And you might consider taking lessons from her, as to the realities of traffic "communication.")
To sum up, Jacques (myself) advises you to rally the Friends-and-Family group and Intervene. “Tryxi” needs fixed. If the Intervention doesn’t take, get outtatown.
Your sincere advice giver, spiritual leader, sage, & mentor,
Jacques Nechques, TMW***
* Or not.
** I know, I know. It's possible that some caucasians could be racial. But please remember: *I* am not a racist. Just FYI.
*** The Most Wise